Wednesday 16 January 2013

Bad Decision? Nah, Just Being Me.


Ignoring your instinct really isn’t a good thing. Yesterday, I decided to listen to that inner voice and make a decision—one I wouldn’t have had to make if I’d listened to my instincts in the first place. For the first 28 years of my life I ignored my inner voice, and life was pretty odd most of the time. Nothing went right. I was unhappy, even though on the outside no one would have known. I didn’t feel “me”, and everything I did was based on what other people would expect me to do.

One day I had a horrible feeling that if I continued the way things were, I’d never get to do anything I’d always dreamed of doing. So I cut the deadwood, got divorced, remarried, and decided that it was high time I was “me”. My now-husband spent the first few years of our life together teaching me to like, then love myself. He taught me that to be me is the best thing I could ever do. I finally started to believe him about three years ago, and that’s when my life and careers changed drastically.

It’s amazing what you can do when you truly believe in yourself and others believe in you too.

Recently, I was asked to write a novel for one of the “Big Guys”. I was excited to have been asked, humbled too, and set about zapping out a book that was needed pretty quickly. I knew, while writing it, that it wasn’t going to be a fit for them, but no matter how I tried, I couldn’t force it to squeeze into the needed box. So I allowed it to come out as it wanted to, and the result, I feel, was well worth me going with that inner voice.

I pressed SEND to submit it and knew it had been the wrong thing to do. It’s bothered me every single day that I did the wrong thing. So yesterday I queried the sub process and got some feedback. As I’d suspected, the book would need major rejigging to fit into the box it had been intended for. I thought about it, knew I didn’t want to rejig, knew it didn’t need rejigging, and that inner voice told me to pull.

I slept on it.

Then today I pulled.

Many people might be shocked at my decision. Years ago I would have been shocked had someone told me they had, what some might see as “squandered” an opportunity. I don’t see it that way. I’m 40. I know me. I know what’s right for my well-being. Rejigging that book would have made a bit of me fizzle out. Yep, that sounds dramatic, but that’s the way it is. No amount of shelf space is worth me being unhappy.

I’m incredibly lucky that I have other options. Now, I play the waiting game again, and if the book is rejected, I’ll self-publish. If it doesn’t do well that way, it doesn’t matter. I feel good about what I’ve done, and I’ve been sad for the past couple of weeks with my original decision gnawing at me.

I have been true to my book. To myself.

And damn, it’s an amazing feeling.

17 comments:

  1. Good for you. Fingers tightly crossed everything works out for the best. X

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  2. Congrats for sticking up for yourself! Best wishes.

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    1. Hugs, Anny! The book is fine as it is. I had to protect my baby LOL.

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  3. Good for you, Emmy. I always get in trouble when I ignore my instincts. Lately, I've been ignoring them. As soon as I have a moment, I will start writing music and books, er, stories, again. (g) After quarterlies and a few other things. LOL

    Marci

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    1. Yep, it's hard sometimes, with everything going on it life, to actually listen. Considering I feel sick and my stomach rolls when something isn't right, you'd think I'd be more alert LOL.

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    2. Yup. Well, after these quarterly reports, I am going to make the time to do some of this stuff that's been weighing on my mind. :)

      Oh, no, I know exactly what you mean. Usually, I get a warning if a cop's around when I'm driving. The only time I've ever had tickets is if I ignore the voice that says, "Slow down. Cop." I'm lucky that way.

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  4. Always trust your instincts. Love the blog! First time I've been here, but it's gorgeous and fun.

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    1. Yep, I shall do so from now on. Yeah, tis nice here. Wish I had an arse like the ladies!

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  5. You are my hero! Good for you, Emmy!

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  6. Good for you Emmy. It's amazing how empowering it is to make the right decision for you.

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  7. Good for you, Emmy. Listen to that inner voice.

    Things have changed in the world of publishing, and self-publishing is an excellent way to get your story out there.

    Janice~

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    1. Yeah, I feel the same. I just didn't see the point of changing something if it didn't fit in the first place. If it doesn't fit, it isn't right for them anyway. I saved us both the hassle of gruelling edits hahaa.

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  8. That's wonderful, Emmy. I'm so happy that you followed your heart. If it's the wrong thing, it's not a wasted anything. It's just the door that's not right for you or this piece.

    Life is too short to spend it not loving yourself or what you do. <3

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  9. Ah. So that's what the dilemma was.

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